I finally have a dog after years and years of pining, wishing, hoping, repressing, and endlessly wanting. And she's a complete doll. I got the call on Saturday while Sophie's family was here that they had 3 females that just arrived at the holding facility that hadn't been fostered at all. We went out there on Monday to see them.

My Honey girl was the first dog they showed me. I knew right away. She was so sweet and demure and came right up to me, looked me in the eye and leaned up for a snuggle. She was really good on the leash and didn't bark at the other dogs. Her name was Sunshine, and I think it was an omen that this was my dog. The second dog, berries, was her sister. The first thing she did was jump up on each one of us in turn, she barked and pulled on the leash. When we let her off leash she went straight up to the other dogs and got everyone barking and howling. She looked completely different, and while she was sweet and loving, she did not make eye contact. The third dog, Vivi, was similar. She had to look at and smell everything, and jumped up on us. She looked the healthiest, and her coat was smooth and perfect. I diddnt care, Honey was the girl for me.

The concerning part was that she had a bleeding rash all over her butt, sores on her mouth, and saliva staining from the waist down. They had her on a special diet, and said her coat was improving, but I was still worried about her. I knew I could give her a great home and get her skin under control. Since I have food allergies myself, I know what its like, and I already had the grain free food at home for her.

When she first got home she was very excited to meet everyone, and look at everything in her new home. She found her bed and toys right away, as well as the turtles.


After awhile she layed down on her bed and fell asleep. When she woke up she threw her toys in the air and romped around, and then went back to sleep again.



We went to the vet last night and got her lots of medicine to help with the rash, and I think she's on her way to being a very healthy happy pup. I think I'm in love!

So I found my old dream journals. They are filled with gems.

"There was a hole in the ground and two men were arguing about what size it would be biblically. The small one turned into the big one and one guy called it the "pit of Gibraltar"
You can tell I was thinking about the Bible a lot. If the pit of Gibraltar exists, I want to know.

"Tom (my brother, Tom) was a drug dealer and I could tell he was smoking (sic) cocaine. There was an elevator and it somehow diddnt work correctly and we couldnt get to the right floor. There was a department store we had to get out of, but we couldn't find our way"
Smoking cocaine is the new thing to do!

"I got second place overall in orchestra placement. Sandy got first. I got to play first part on a new work for orchestra by some Japanese composer. Come rehearsal I diddnt have the part, but only the first page had its own part, and the rest of the pages were combined first and second. Sandy had the second part. I made up stuff for the first page, it was easy to make up because it was all minimalist. But i did get some interesting looks from the composer, and Sandy kept rolling her eyes at me. The rest of the music was very weird. Sometimes instead of barlines there were roof tiles or cones. At one point I was playing contrabass flute in the shape of a big 4."
I love how I start out without music, but then I have one page, then barlines made of roof tiles and i have a contrabass.


"I was in history class and halfway through, half of the class upped and left"
I have no recollection of this


"I am at McDonalds with my mom. She makes me order a #3 supersize and swipes her own card. I diddnt want (or couldnt eat) the big mac so I orered some fries for myself. I ask the clerk guy whether they fry anything else in the oil besides potatoes and he assures me that its ok. I order a lirge fries with a tub of cheese. The girl who was working back there got really confused about the cheese and asked me what I was planning on doing. And I say cheese fries and then she understands. She's a bit like a spider monkey"
For some reason, calling someone spider-monkey-like is an apt description. Strange, but apt.

"there is a way to see what your dream means by digging it up out of a box in the ground"
Creepy

"my sister an I are talking about the end of star wars and how obi wan goes in and kills darth vader and blows up the death star and thats it. I ask her "what comes next?" and she doesnt know. I ask "isnt there supposed to be a 7-8-9 trilogy? and she says "yea, but they'll never get made"
First off, thats not even how the story goes. Second, you have to love my subconscious's sense of comedic timing.

"I am on a fleet of starships flying so fast we have trails behind us. We look like fireflies darting around. We catch up with the rest of the fleet and slow down. our captain likes to travel low to the ground, and so we are dodging trees and zooming over oceans. Our star crafts hover, so there is no danger of a bumpy ride. We set up camp, and our captain looks after our stuff, but gets wiped out by a huge wave and carried out to sea. We all follow him with big sticks and things. I catch up to him and pull him close with my stick. Everyone is relieved. Jen Murray wants us to go back to shore now. I dont know where our stuff is"
I love this dream! I love how I rationalize the irrational. I'm on a starship, yet the lack of bumps need to have an explanation? And its obviously the future, and somehow "sticks and things" are the best tools at our disposal. I love at the end how i'm still in the dream.


"Mr. Shearer's computer is now an old Honda hatchback from 1980 or so. Its my turn and you have to sit in the drivers seat to get online and use the computer. I open up the back and it gets water everywhere. I apologize and he says "nah, its probably good for it" I get in the driver's seat and access Gmail, but they've switched over to a flash animated site and I dont know how to use it"
A hatchback computer. Nice.


I'm going to start journaling my dreams again. My subconscious is too awesome to not document in some way.

I dont know what it was about today that made it such a good day. Nothing I planned on doing happened. Today was supposed to go like this: I call in sick for work this morning at 4am so I have plenty of energy to play at saturday market, which I have been practicing and writing pieces for all week. I was going to go make some money at saturday market debuting my loop station and newly created artform of live looped flute sounds.

Here is what actually happened: I woke up at 3:30 of my own accord completely awake and ready to go to work. I have a great 4 hours at work. My pallettes stack beautifully, I pushed diapers without help for the first time, (which means I must have been going very damn fast) I made a friend, drank some hot cocoa. It was a good work day. Strange, I know.
I came home and collected my things and then went out to the Burnside Bridge for Saturday Market with all of my very heavy borrowed gear. I walked around for 2 hours looking for an outlet. I went back and forth talking to people and scoping things out, but a free, unattended outlet just diddnt exist.  I plugged in for a little bit by the kindness of a roasted nut booth, but the fountain square was already crowded with 3 other performers, some of which were kids playing violin. I felt bad and left.
I diddnt feel discouraged, though. 7 hours on my feet and 6 hours of heavy lifting diddnt curb my energy level, so I marched myself into the nearest music shop and asked what I could do to get my gear working unplugged.
By 6pm (and about $200 later) I had a battery powered amp of my very own, and a custom-made rechargable Ni-MH battery pack for my loop station, as well as a shiny brand new-to-me mic stand. I'm all ready to go now!

Its now 11:53, and I have been up, wide awake, since 3:30. I'm completely wired right now. I'm exhausted, but energized and alive!
Was there something in that hot chocolate? I cant remember the last time I had so much energy.

Tonight at UUReading we had our monthly Wednesday night service. Tonight's theme was silence. Tim (the minister) was inspired to do this service because once in a worship arts committee meeting we were discussing sacred silence and how important it is in the service. I said "I dont remember which band director told me this, but he said 'any one of us can make noise, thats easy. It takes all of us here to make silence"  and apparently Tim was inspired enough by this to make a service out of it.

We started out with an opening poem, the chalice lighting and then I improvised on my Native American flute. I stood inbetween the first two pews and played for the 15 or so people that showed up tonight. It was very intimate. I felt like a conjuror casting tales into their minds, touching the air with the sound.

Tim and I staggered our readings, adding a bit more silence inbetween each set of poems. Mineko Ogata, an awesome jazz pianist, who doesnt speak much english, played 2 pieces inbetween the readings and silences. She plays with such detail to voice, passing melodies between her hands seamlessly; allowing the twinkly tinkering notes to float away unhinged.

For the last peice, after the final words were spoken, I played Lou Harrison's Air in G Minor. I had asked Mineko just before the service to play the drone part. I was expecting just an open 5th to be chimed aryhthmically between octaves. I was worried that I hadnt fully communicated what I wanted, and with the language barrier, I had reason to think that this might be a disaster. I looked at her and she nodded at me to start. To my delight she turned it into a true duet. She picked up on the form and meter right away, anticipating my phrasing and following me with such precision it felt like she knew more about what I was going to do next than I did. There were moments where I thought "No No! this is too much! The part that comes up next is piannissimo!" and then like a shadow she stayed with me. Since she and I diddnt rehearse, and she diddnt know the piece, I had no idea what to expect from moment to moment. I was both scared and relieved the whole way through. Even at the final cadence, even up until my last quivering breath ceased to make sound I was worried and surprised. She left me alone for my last few notes. "No, really, this is how it ends" I tried to convey. But like a whisp of smoke after a candle goes out, she gently takes the final word, reinforcing my statement "No. This is how it ends." 

Playing with her was a gift, a privilege. I had forgotten what it was like to collaborate and perform with a professional, an artist. I had forgotten about that subtle conversation musicians have without words or concrete things. I had forgotten what lust I have for this intangible moment.

So I'm home sick today.
I dont know what I ate to make me sick, and its bothering me that I cant figure it out. It all started yesterday, my knees were achey and sore all evening, and then at about 10pm I was smacked by tiredness. It wasnt the normal time-to-go-to-bed tiredness, but a whole-body feeling like I had been in the sun all day, or been out shopping with toddlers. I could barely wake up this morning, and when I finally dragged myself out of bed and had some tea, I diddnt feel any better. After 3 trips to the bathroom I called it in. I dont have much sick time left, so I'm worried. Anxiety is another symptom of glutening, but at least I dont feel immanent doom? 

This is my first recognizable glutening in months, maybe even 4 months. And its not all that bad. I am run down, headachey, a bit nervous and it feels like I have snakes in my guts, but other than that, its not too terrible. Nothing like a few years ago when I was only eating 1200 calories a day out of stomach pain and anxiety about stomach pain.

Hopefully my stomach ills will get better with time. It actually kinda feels good to call in sick for actually being sick rather than just being depressed. The birds are chirping outside, the forsythia is blooming fat, yellow, drooping blossoms. I really hope the trees do their leaf-explosion thing soon.

Sometimes when i'm bored, i will pick at my arm hair. I never really yank on any of them, because a lot of them come willingly. Its so satisfying, but it kinda creeps out my mom, and maybe my co-workers?

Alisa and I talked for the first time since this summer. I finally told her what Dan Savage told me to tell her: FUCK YOU
Sorry this is long, but its definitely juicy drama!
some of the highlights:

7:50:01 PM Audrey Harrison: you still surround yourself with lesbians and pretend like you have no hangups
7:50:17 PM Audrey Harrison: and you still have "crushes" on men, but always chicken out on acting on it
7:50:32 PM Audrey Harrison: have some fucking integrity
7:50:49 PM Alisa: ouch
7:51:37 PM Audrey Harrison: if you ever feel the need to prove anything to anyone, let it be that; integrity
7:51:47 PM Audrey Harrison: its what you stole from me
7:52:01 PM Audrey Harrison: its what you owe me


7:56:26 PM Audrey Harrison: EVERY homosexual battles with inner homophobia - GET OVER IT
7:56:36 PM Audrey Harrison: youre not "special" because of it
8:00:05 PM Audrey Harrison: and i'm sorry, i'm done holding your hand and playing nice
8:00:21 PM Alisa: I am honestly looking for truth - apart from this latest book I am yet to find anything that gets close to understanding me
8:00:56 PM Alisa: yes I am confused - but  less about what I feel and more about what I do

8:02:34 PM Audrey Harrison: you say "i'm confused less about what i feel, more about what i do"
8:02:44 PM Audrey Harrison: thats just another way of saying "im a hypocrite"
8:03:15 PM Alisa: yes - and I hate hypocrasy
8:03:25 PM Alisa: I hated being one back in Hartford
8:03:36 PM Audrey Harrison: and as far as i'm concerned, you still are one

8:42:54 PM Audrey Harrison: i dont hate you - i pity you
8:44:58 PM Audrey Harrison: I would be your friend except for the fact that it would be out of pity
8:45:05 PM Audrey Harrison: and that would make me a monster
8:46:45 PM Audrey Harrison: i'm sorry
8:46:50 PM Audrey Harrison: i wish you were healthy
8:46:55 PM Audrey Harrison: and that i diddnt want to change you
8:46:58 PM Alisa: Pity - that I am struggling with my identity, that I have issues from my abuse,  that i may make my own life more difficult than it needs to be.  but there is so much more to me as a person than tha
8:47:24 PM Alisa: so much more that doesn't require pity
8:47:39 PM Audrey Harrison: this is not something that i can "agree to disagree" with you on
8:47:43 PM Alisa: My personality.  mny music, my humour that does not require pity.
8:47:48 PM Alisa: I am working on everything
8:47:52 PM Audrey Harrison: your lack of personal integrity is offensive to me

8:48:20 PM Alisa: what about my desire for integrity and my desire to change
8:48:27 PM Audrey Harrison: it would take a lot for you to gain my respect again
8:48:31 PM Audrey Harrison: desire is nothing without action
8:48:47 PM Alisa: true
8:48:49 PM Audrey Harrison: unless you publicly denounce exodus, and apologize for your involvement in it
8:48:56 PM Audrey Harrison: publicly apologize to the women youve hurt
8:49:06 PM Alisa: shit - that is huge
8:49:06 PM Audrey Harrison: including to your family
8:49:27 PM Alisa: I mean i can publicly apologise to the people I have hurt
8:49:43 PM Audrey Harrison: until you have pride in your sexual orientation and can wear it on your sleeve, i cant be friends with you
8:49:57 PM Audrey Harrison: and i'm beyond being able to help you

She actually had the gaul to say
8:49:57 PM Alisa: Exodus had a compassionate function in my life and i only know a stream of it.

9:01:08 PM Audrey Harrison: its like youre saying "but we were good to our slaves!"
9:01:28 PM Audrey Harrison: exodus is on the wrong side of history and this issue

9:04:00 PM Audrey Harrison: i believe that sexual preference can change throughout one's lifetime, but its completely out of human control
9:04:28 PM Audrey Harrison: and that homosexuality is just as valid as heterosexuality
9:04:36 PM Audrey Harrison: until you believe those things as well, we cant be friends
9:05:58 PM Alisa: I see - ok
9:06:19 PM Alisa: I can't imagine me making those changes lightly - all huge things
9:06:32 PM Alisa: It could be many years before we can be friends if ever


I am NOT asking too much. I will not surround myself with homophobes, no matter how charismatic, friendly or important for my career they may be; no matter how much personal history i have with them.

Take a picture of yourself RIGHT NOW. Do not fix your hair, makeup, or alter your appearance in any way. Post the picture with these instructions. All who see it are automatically tagged.

I brought my little turtle boys to the vet today. I dont think they liked it.
They are 1.5 years old now, and both are obviously males (they have long claws, and sometimes poke their penises out). A few months ago i noticed that Caper (the bigger one) was starting to look a bit like John McCain. One side of his jaw was lumpier than the other. About 2 weeks ago it started looking like a round, well defined lump on his face, just below his ear.

The vet had a terrible time trying to get poor caper to come out of his shell! He even tried to pull his head forward using a hook on his beak. Caper had none of it. But apparently the doc saw enough to conclude that he has an abscess, most likely due to an ear infection. So poor little caper is now on antibiotics and is having his abscess lanced next friday. And I'm off to petco to find a PH testing kit.